I wrote this in 2014 for a website called The Leftovers that no longer exists. I am writing this on January 21st of 2024. 10 years later, taking a thing I posted on Wordpress and now I'm posting it on this new site, hopefully it lasts as long as The Leftovers did, but there's been many stops and starts with these quote unquote projects
"Wazzzup" I say to my friends at a BBQ, to my co workers at a happy hour, to the wedding party at my buddy's wedding, to my teammates on the company softball team.
I throw my buddy a cold one, the coldest one, from a cooler. He flips a burger and laughs. We pantomime a distant cheers and give each other a slight head tilt.
“Man, I love drinking beer”, I think as I slowly get drunk.
--
I am the first to get the wedding invitation in the mail. My wife’s best friend from college is getting married to her long time boyfriend.
I take the invitation and cross check the dates with my football team’s schedule. My wife’s best friend is getting married in what will be Week 15 of the season. This is a disaster. Do wedding receptions have TVs? Maybe I can make a special request to have “the game” put on. I mean, by Week 15 my team’s playoff situation may already be established, but still, I’d like to see the team tune up for the playoffs.
Maybe I can download that app that shows you “the game” no matter where you are. Maybe I can stealthily watch my football team from inside my suit jacket, silently fist pumping and looking around to see if any other men are also sneaking the game, silently fist pumping. I’d like that solidarity; to know that we are both watching “the game”, that we both know the game is more important than this marriage that will more than likely end in divorce (just quoting stats, that’s all).
Maybe my relationship with my wife isn’t that important. Would she forgive me if I just choose not to go to the ceremony? If she found out I was faking sick just so I could watch “the game”, how long would I be in the “dog house”? If it’s just a month, I think I could justify the decision. I wish she was more understanding.
I wish my wife was more understanding of the fact that I’ve loved my football team since I was 2 years old and I’ve only loved my wife for only 10 years. These are two distinct and very different types of love, but I think they are both equally important.
--
What type of man allows his fiancé to schedule their wedding during “the game”?
I am meticulous when I plan my backyard barbecues. What time is “the game” on? Should my barbecue end before or after it? Should I put “the game” on the TV inside? Should “the game” be a central part of my barbecue or should it take place outside of my barbecue’s folklore?
“Come over after ‘the game’”, that is what I decide my text will say.
At the store, I debate over whether I am a Coors Lite person or a Miller Lite Person. I think Coors Lite is more rugged (because it gives off strong Southwestern vibes) but Miller Lite is more respected, because it has more flavor and is a little more opaque (Coors Lite looks like rust water). Miller Lite is the beer of dickheads though.
Don’t even get me started on Bud Light.
However, Bud Light’s uncle with traditional values, Budweiser, is great tasting and has started to lose that tinge of “trashy guy smoking a cigarette in a fenced in yard”.
I buy Coors, the Banquet Beer. Later I will joke with my guests, “I figured for a gathering like this, we needed to get a beer fit for a banquet”.
I make the same joke when I buy High Life months later: “I figured for a gathering like this, we needed to get champagne, so I got the champagne of beers”.
My gatherings always require champagne. My gatherings are always a banquet of my friends. I always know what time the game is on, I always plan accordingly.